Short answer: It is very common for a child to resist therapy, and the resistance usually comes from a fear that "something is wrong with me" or from sensing a parent's anxiety. Forcing rarely works. What tends to help is explaining concretely what will happen, starting with a parent-only consultation, and giving your child real choices: the day and time, meeting the therapist first, or going into the first session alone. This article is about how to proceed when a child resists; if you are still deciding whether to go at all, start with Should my child see a psychologist?
Why does my child not want to go?
Resistance is rarely stubbornness; it is usually fear in disguise. For younger children the fear is mostly about the unknown: "Is it a doctor? Will there be an injection? Will Mum be in the room?" A child may confuse therapy with hospital visits. Children also read their parents closely: if you tense up whenever the appointment comes up, they conclude the place must be dangerous.
With teenagers the issue is more often identity and autonomy. "If I go to therapy, there is something wrong with me", worry about friends finding out, and the feeling of being "fixed" come up. A teenager objects to decisions being made about them; the objection is usually less about therapy itself than about how they were brought into it.
What should I say, and what should I avoid?
Your words shape how your child pictures therapy. Instead of "sick", "treatment" or "doctor", use "talking", "thinking things through together" or "making things easier". A short, honest, age-appropriate explanation is enough: "Sometimes even grown-ups get help with difficult feelings. There is a room where you can play and talk, and I will be close by."
Watch out for the punishment-and-reward trap. Threats such as "no tablet if you don't go" turn therapy into a punishment; large rewards such as "I'll buy you a toy if you go" send the message that it must be an unpleasant place. A small shared ritual afterwards, like a walk together, is different from a big bargain.
- Do say: what will happen: the room, how long it takes, where you will wait.
- Do say: "This is not your fault; we want to make things easier together."
- Avoid: "They will fix you" or "If you carry on like this…".
- Avoid: comparisons with siblings or other children.
What if my teenager says "I'm not going"?
A power struggle with a teenager usually deepens the resistance. Share the decision instead: let them choose the day and time, offer a short introductory meeting with the therapist first, and make it clear they can go into the first session without you if they prefer. Explaining confidentiality in advance also helps: the therapist does not pass on what a teenager says in detail, except where safety is at stake, and those limits are discussed in the first session with the teenager present.
Another approach is to frame the first meeting as a one-off trial: "Go once; if you don't like it, we'll talk again." This gives a teenager a sense of control, and for most teenagers the first step is the hardest one.
Can a parent start alone?
Yes, and it is often the best way to begin. In a parent consultation your concerns, the routine at home and your child's reactions are discussed without the child in the room. The therapist helps you prepare your child for the process and shows you what can change at home. In some situations a few parent-only sessions shift the pattern in the family enough that the child never needs to attend at all.
How does the therapist build trust in the first session?
Clinical psychologists who work with children and adolescents plan the first meeting as an introduction, not an interrogation. With younger children this usually happens through play: the child explores the toys, the therapist follows their pace and does not push conversation. With teenagers the session starts from interests and everyday life; "why are you here?" is not the opening question. The therapist explains confidentiality and its limits in language the child understands and clarifies what will be shared with parents. The goal is for the child to feel that nothing is being imposed on them; once that feeling is there, resistance usually eases on its own.
When should I insist?
In most cases waiting, preparing and offering choices is enough. Some signs, however, mean that "not wanting to" should not delay support; the process should begin right away with a parent consultation:
- Self-harm or talk about death
- School refusal lasting weeks
- Marked loss of sleep, appetite, friendships or daily functioning
- Sudden, unexplained withdrawal or change in behaviour
These signs are not a diagnosis on their own, but they call for an assessment with a specialist rather than waiting to see. Even then, the first step is not to force your child into the room but for you to meet the specialist and make a plan together. If there is a risk of self-harm or any emergency, call 112 or go to the nearest emergency department.
Key takeaways
- Resistance is normal; it usually comes from fear or from sensing a parent's anxiety.
- Use "talking" language rather than "sick/doctor" language; avoid punishments and big rewards.
- Give real choices: day, time, meeting the therapist first, going in alone.
- You can start with a parent-only consultation.
- Do not wait in cases of self-harm, school refusal or serious loss of functioning.
At Sone Wellbeing Unit in Beylikdüzü, Istanbul, you can begin with a parent consultation with a clinical psychologist who works with children and adolescents. See the child and adolescent psychology page for more detail or request an appointment; the right approach for your child is something to assess together with your specialist.
